The holidays always bring about soul searching. My parents will be glad to know that I finally have been putting that philosophy degree to use. :-) The topic: forgiveness. Can one forgive without condoning what happened? What if the person doesn't see what they did as wrong or doesn't want to accept any responsibility for the situation, can they still be forgiven?
On a suggestion, I listened a sermon from Dan Southerland from Westside Family Church. The four points he made really made sense:
1) Forgiveness is not based on merit.
2) Forgiveness is not based on apology.
3) Forgiveness is not based on repentance.
4) Forgiveness is a choice based on grace.
Forgiveness is foremost an internal matter. It is choosing to let go the feelings of being wronged. Sounds easy but this can be especially difficult when there is no apology or repentance, however forgiveness has little to do with the other person but rather is something you do for yourself. It helps you move on and just maybe makes a deposit in your karma account.
Does this mean if we forgive that we condone? This is where I struggled most and was glad to learn the answer is no, forgiving is not condoning. In fact, you can only forgive because you felt the action was wrong.
This logic leads to the next question: If we forgive, do we just move on like nothing happened? Unfortunately, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Reconciliation means restoring the relationship and involves two parts: 1) forgiveness and 2) penance. You can forgive someone but if they don't feel they did anything wrong or apologize, you can't reconcile. Bottomline, you can only get there halfway by yourself.
Want some further reading: Mayo Clinic on Forgiveness
Whoa, pretty heavy topic for a Monday. Where's Dirty Dancing when you need it?
2 comments:
Great points. I think the second component of reconcilliation is actually "repentance," not "penance." Penance involves some kind of penalty or compensation, whereas repentance describes a 180 degree turn in attitude and action. I'd feel reconciled after seeing an about face like that rather than simply affixing a cost to the offense.
I supposed it depends on where you get your defition. I took my definition straight from the Catholic sacrament of penance (going back to my roots I suppose), which describes forgiveness and penance.
Webster's Dictionary defines penance as "an act of self-abasement, mortification or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin."
I also like the description of penance by Pope John Paul II: "To do penance means, above all, to re-establish the balance and harmony broken by sin, to change direction even at the cost of sacrifice."
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